Feeling Depressed

I have this head ache that won't go away. I cam constantly thinking way too much. I live by this philosophy that too much of anything is not good for you. I have over thought too many thoughts today and it has overwhelmed me to the point of exhaustion.

Let me begin by explaining my day with out trying to sound like a sad case. I got up later than I wanted to even though my alarm clock was set and on loud. I rode my bike to the bus stop I was tired and sweaty. Then my head started to hurt. I don't know if it was all from the bumpy bike ride or what? I was so happy that I completed my first round trip on bike at the end of the day. But this also had its ups and downs for example I forgot to bring a lock to tie up my bike and when I went to up my bike in the cage I couldn't find the sensor on the door next to my class so I went down farther down to another cage and left it there and walked to class. I later asked about it and the guy said that the sensor was behind the door and that I would have to put my hand around the bars and wave the key around it to open it. I learned the right way to put the bike on the bus's bike rack. I also learned that my bike is kinda heavy. I found a bus that takes the freeway making commuting faster.

Went to class a little confused, I don't know what the fuck is going on really. I went in to show my journal and talk about my project. I think I have to hang my project in a gallery next week and I have not started my shooting. Kinda worries me. But I don't know why cause class ends in December if I'm not mistaken. On the paper it says Third assignment- Final Assignment Preparation. When speaking about my project I was saying how I didn't like having the green screen look so unnatural when I replaced it with something else. She told me to go with it and play it up.

"Well your not serious about this, your not going to go to the state and propose this"

Something about that offended me. I didn't go to a University to fuck around. I am serious as the money I paid to take these fucking classes and if they don't look professional enough for me than I must be wasting my time here. Her teachings are questionable to me now. As politically involved as she clams to be I don't like her attitude towards my ideas about changing the real world not making fake videos.

Afterward she asked me if I would be interested in getting a small role in her videos that she does on the side from photography. It involved me dressing up like a maid at a hotel and looking like a happy undocumented worker because I look Mexican. She said she'd pay me 100 bucks and could work around my schedule. I showed her my optimism towards the idea but now I am totally opposed to it. She makes up these videos and doesn't even put them on YouTube, wtf who does that? Who is her audience? I don't find her humor amusing enough for me.

But anyways riding my bike back. I almost go hit by an Indian woman in a minivan at a cross walk. I couldn't stop anywhere in the city to eat which I wanted to do badly but again, I didn't bring a lock for my bike. I wish I could have taken Jesus with me I was home early. He isn't talking to me and this is also why I am very depressed.

He slapped my cheek last week and since then I've been ever confused. Why would he do that to me, my family wouldn't do that? He was playing around with me and next thing you know he was tapping my cheek to get me to put my arms up higher but it hurt. I cried about it then he said he was leaving. That made me feel super sad I cried more because all of my tears chased him away. I feel as thought it was my fault. I can't stop myself from crying. I wish he would stop leaving me when I cried. Its so painful to me. A hug and I'm sorry could have easily fixed it but I go on alone. I try to act like it was nothing but it still hurts me. I heard my mom wake him up in the morning and he then laid down with me. I held him in my arms I cried to him "Why did you leave me?" over and over again. He just later rolled over and I couldn't stop crying so I left to sleep in another room so he couldn't hear me. When I woke again he was gone. Since than he has yet to call me.

Is it all my fault? Why do I always have to make things better first?

I feel as thought I am tired of just about everything, this might be the exhaustion talking but I am so tired of everything really. Tired of school, traveling to school, working late, spending too much money, not turning things on time, not thinking about my future, not hanging out with friends. I wish I could live. I wish I could go travel and not worry so much about be home in time for something else. I never get to sleep in on the weekends. I don't want to finish college and say I wish I could have done this or that. If ever I have a child of my own I would like to pay for their college education.